


i've known the warmth of your doorways

by poedameroh (howtobottlefame)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Cheating, Emperor Hux, Except they are not each other's soulmates, Imperial Knight Ren, M/M, Minor Character Death, i guess, they have their soulmate's first words to them on their skin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 06:14:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7088602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howtobottlefame/pseuds/poedameroh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>No one is complete until they find their pair.</i> Leia had stroked his hair, kissed his temple, and he had smiled. <i>You will find it, too. In time.</i></p>
<p>She still loved him then, there wasn't a reason not to believe her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i've known the warmth of your doorways

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song "It will come back" by Hozier

He asked about it once, on a life long lost, back when he was still Ben. 

_It means the very Fates have chosen someone for you,_ his mother had said, her eyes still kind, still unafraid. _Someone that belongs only to you, and who you belong to in turn._

Leia had shown him her mark, messy handwriting etched across her left arm, untouched by age. There was one on his father's back, too, delicate letters that matched his mother's elegant writing. 

_No one is complete until they find their pair._ She had stroked his hair, kissed his temple, and he had smiled. _You will find it, too. In time._

She still loved him then, there wasn't a reason not to believe her.

-

The next time he asked about it, Ben was long gone. Kylo knelt by his master's feet and bowed his head. Snoke didn't have a mark, claimed that only few were strong enough to go against the Fates and come victorious, to write their own destiny. Kylo felt shame prickle at his spine and redden the tops of his ears as he looked down at his own arm, the contrast of black against his skin.

At night, with only the moon for light, he stood by a basin and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed at his arm until it bled, until his skin broke in uneven streaks. It hurt more than anything he had experienced before, an aching deep in his gut, like a fire being fanned right inside him. He didn't scream, though he wanted to. His lip bled under his tooth where he bit it, and the water turned red.

The shame burned worse than before as he knelt again, clutching at his bandaged arm and his shoulders shaking lightly. "I'm not strong enough," he sobbed, unwilling to meet his master's eyes, afraid of the disappointment he would find there. 

He had tried, he really had, but still the words went nowhere. They were still as black and as legible as always even as his arm burned and bled.

"It is a difficult thing, my child," Snoke's words were not the blow he had expected, and he finally looked up. "It makes the strongest of men weak, foolish. But it is a challenge that will make you stronger yet if you manage to conquer it."

He tried to gain strength from his master's words, watched every day as his arm healed and scarred, and told himself he would be strong enough. He had to.

-

The Finalizer feels constricting as he gets off his shuttle. Metal hallways, metal floors, equipment aligning every wall, buzzing with productivity wherever he looked. Certainly a change from the fortress where his training took place, hidden among woods and mountains, completely alone. 

He does not complain as he hears of his master's wishes, the next step of his plan. If he is to live and work beside these men and women then so be it, he doesn't have to like it.

"General," Snoke's voice sounds louder here, his words carrying easily through the empty chamber, and the man next to him stands straighter, "Kylo Ren is to serve me by your side while his training is completed. Do try to be civil. I trust you will not disappoint." Snoke reminds them of their orders and soon enough the holo flickers off, the chamber growing dark around them.

"Lord Ren," the General's voice is firm, unamused, "I expect you to abide by my ship's rules while you are here." They haven't met before, have heard of each other only through the Supreme Leader's words.

"I will do as I see fit to carry my master's orders. You'll be wise to leave me to it." There is no mistaking the apathy both men feel at such arrangement, Ren's voice thick through the mechanical whir of his mask. It's the first time they have spoken to each other.

Ren stands straight and turns to leave. Nothing happens. They carry on.

-

There are rumours. Things you hear here and there whenever the Troopers think no one with a rank is listening. Gossip is to be expected, and for the most part the officials of the Finalizer don't see the need in wasting time and resources in putting them in line for it. Let them think what they want. More often than not they serve as a reminder of who isn't to be messed with, why they shouldn't disobey.

There are rumours, passed among whispers in the darkest hours of the night, that sound too much like taboo, causing goosebumps in their wake.

A man with no soulmate might as well be a man with no soul.

Cold. Calculating. Heartless. The General is well respected among the Finalizer's crew, even looked up to for his rank and achievements, the man who will surely bring glory to the First Order, yet the idea that he might not have a mark after all makes lesser men look away in his presence.

He doesn't bother correcting them, doesn't think it worth the hassle or any of their business. Surely enough, hidden just by the waistband of his trousers, his right hip is etched with delicate cursive, the kind that is taught in the Academy, the kind he learnt in his youth. He tries not to give it much thought, the plans of building Starkiller is work enough and he doesn't need anything to distract him from his goal. He will make a fine Emperor one day and until that is achieved he will not waste his time on any frivolous things he can live without. 

-

The first time they kiss it's messy and bloody, an angry blow to Ren's nose and he had found himself pinned painfully hard against the wall, his vision going blank for a moment as his head hit metal and when he could finally look up he had Ren's lips pressed against his own, his nose dripping red into their mouths.

It only goes downhill from there. After that time comes a second, a third, all reasoning obscured by the way their bodies curve together, Ren's hands fitting perfectly into all the angles of Hux's body, like they were made for each other.

They're not. 

At night, between shared breaths they want to believe it's okay. It's just a passing thing, a relief from their constant stress. At night, between lingering touches they like to fool themselves. 

They fight constantly. Loud things that carry through the Finalizer's halls and the rumours only grow, changing in nature, growing louder until not even they can ignore it.

_Why would they fool themselves?_

_They are wasting their time._

_Just listen to them fighting. They are clearly not meant to be._

The General puts them all in place, makes sure every rumour is snuffed out before it grows. Still, the thoughts take root. They grow in them like poison, vicious and angry, white hot rage clawing at them from the inside.

When they fight, their screams echo through every corridor, the lights busting under Kylo's unrestrained Force, and the air feels thick and electric. The rest of the Finalizer goes quiet and waits for the storm to pass. 

What are they supposed to do? This thing that has already made them weaker, foolish, and it's not even what the Fates wrote for them, their lives a thread in the galaxy's tapestry that will be completed whether they like it or not. 

Sometimes, when they don't feel like looking at each other's skin, at the constant reminder of what is and isn't meant to be, they fuck in their clothes, angry and quick. Ren's arms are twisted behind his back, where the scars on his arm and the ink that flows through them are kept out of sight, out of reach, and the General's hip remains covered.

Other times, Ren would press his lips to his hip, his breath ghosting over Hux's skin, feeling the light dust of hair against his mouth, and would mutter the words he already knows so well like maybe if he says them enough, if he says them _just right_ they will make Hux's mark burn for him. 

Nothing happens. They move on.

-

There's an aching in his chest. His left arm, the one with the scars, feels heavy at his side. He paces the halls, restlessness settling in, and wonders what is it that has him on edge. A disturbance in the Force, he thinks, though he can't pinpoint where it's coming from or why. 

He thinks of seeking his master for counsel, but doesn't get a chance to before he is being summoned by Hux to one of the holding cells.

"Our troopers have captured a handful of Resistance fighters, some of the few remaining, and I need you to extract the intel of where their last base is located. He's protected the information quite zealously, but I trust it will be easy for you. He is already quite broken." His General's orders are simple enough, nothing he hasn't done before, and he will be glad for the opportunity to crush the last of the Resistance's efforts so that the Order can finally rise to its rightful place.

There's a man strapped to a chair when he walks in, bruised and battered and bleeding from more places than not. His head is bowed but he looks in when Ren stops to stand right in front of him. He loses no time on formalities, his heart beating faster than usual, the tips of his fingers shaking ever so slightly as he raises his left hand, calling the Force to his fingertips.

"Just make it quick," the man says, his voice tired and low, and Ren almost doubles over. 

He can't breathe, he has to remove his mask, a loud thud as it falls to the floor. He can hear his own pulse racing, and his arm feels like it's burning where he clutches it against his chest, feeling like the words on his skin are a brand, searing into his arm and deep into his bones.

"I-I can't." 

The man on the chair gasps, pulls a little on his restraints, but he's too tired, too broken to do anything else. His eyes turn sad as he looks up at the Knight, resigned. 

"I can't," he says again, broken, and turns to rush out of the door. 

His chest feels tight and his breathing coming in short pants when he's stopped by Hux just out of the holding cell. "Did you get the information?" the General asks, his calm voice at odds with the war raging inside Ren.

"I-" He doesn't know what to do, he can't go back to that cell, can't face this man coming to haunt him from a forgotten life. They have worked so hard to get rid of the Resistance, to assert their place in the galaxy, just for him to come tear it all to pieces. 

He can't face Hux, his eyes wide as he looks down at him, apologizing, and Hux knows. He can tell by the way he clutches at his arm, how he seems to shake and the air around him grow thick. Hux's lips part but no sound comes out, time seems to still.

"I can't," it's all he seems able to say. He imagines the way those words must be written on the man's skin, his thick calligraphy barely legible. He turns on his heel and rushes away from there, leaving Hux and that man behind.

He falls to his knees as soon as the conference room door is closed, the holo projection of his master flickering to life before him. 

"Master…" his words sound weak, voice clipped as he kneels there, head in his hands. "I- I found him." The fabric of his tunic rips where he clutches at his left arm, the scars burning like they are being rubbed raw again. "He's here…" His shoulders shake, thick teardrops falling to the cold floor. "A prisoner. A Resistance figh-" The words die in his mouth. He pitches forward, almost falling face first onto the floor, and a scream rips through his lungs, through his very core. Loss, too big for him to put into words, twists viciously at his chest, heightened by his link with the Force.

"This is what you wanted, child," Snoke's voice rips him out of his thoughts, makes him look up to see an amused expression on his face. "This grief will not last, and you will finally be stronger than ever."

He doesn't know what his words mean, his thoughts too clouded by the pain in his chest. He wonders briefly is this is what being burned alive feels like, if everyone feels the same when their soul is put back together, or if it is a misery he carries alone. He doesn't feel strong.

-

"Where is he?" Ren's voice is still weak, but he has gathered enough strength to put himself back up and make his way back to the holding cell, only to find it empty and already being cleaned by a droid. "Where have you taken him?" His voice grows loud, frantic as he steps to the bridge, heavy steps carrying him to stand right in front of Hux.

"I have taken care of him. He's not as valuable as I thought, we will find that information some other way." Hux seems calm enough, his hands grasped behind his back, but there is a desperation to his eyes as he speaks, pleading for something as he looks up at Ren. "He won't be a bother anymore."

The edges of his vision turn red, his blood beats frantic against his chest. He doesn't know what he's doing until he has the General above the ground, everyone on the bridge watching in shock as Ren's fist tightens around his neck, cutting his breathing, tightening until the capillaries bust under the skin. He drops him when he feels him going limp in his grip. He doesn't kill him, feels the grief taking root in his chest and doesn't think he could take any more of it.

He boards the first shuttle that takes him away from the Finalizer, before even the General wakes up.

-

Ren travels as far and as fast as he can go, to put the biggest distance possible between himself and his grief, between himself and the General. But not even the infinite stretch of the universe can quiet down the ache in his bones.

Eventually, he learns to draw strength from it, to use his rage to fuel his powers. He takes down Snoke. Kills him all by himself in a fit of rage, not even the Supreme Leader's strength being enough to sooth his anger. He drops to a lifeless, twisted mass at his feet and Ren finally feels the strength he was promised.

It is months before he returns, not receiving the resistance he had expected as his shuttle lands in the wealthy stretch of land the Emperor has taken as home planet now that the whole galaxy bows to him. 

Whatever he expected to happen, to be refused, to be made lesser before the Emperor, never happens. They fall into routine again, and surprisingly enough he finds his place by Hux's side. Imperial Knight is a title that suits him well, power he wants to keep and make good use of. 

They don't talk about it. About the state Hux was left in, about the man, about his death. They can't bear talk about it. But Hux's mark still doesn't burn for anyone and Ren tells himself that ought to be enough. Greed would be his undoing.

-

The event is rich and lavish, a celebration of some sort, Ren doesn't really care. There are dignitaries from several different planets, all wishing to earn the Emperor's favour and perhaps something else. He stays close to Hux, senses alert for any kind of threat, a prominent and ever present figure at the Emperor's side, a reminder of their combined power.

There is dancing and drinking, as these kind of events usually go, and a stream of people of various races coming up to them to formally introduce themselves, not that Ren would remember them all. 

A man comes up to them, dressed in fine clothes, a familiar face but Ren still can't put a name to it. "Your Majesty," he speaks, bowing lightly and offering his most charming grin. "This is Danison Mereel, from Naboo. He didn't want to miss the opportunity to thank you for all you've done for us." He gestures to a man standing next to him, a few years younger than them, handsome with bright chocolate eyes and green jewels adorning his robes. 

"It's an honour to finally meet you," he bows, kisses Hux's knuckles gently. "I have heard nothing but good things." 

Ren watches in disinterest, words he has heard a million times since Hux became Emperor. They used to worry him, that maybe the next time would finally be the one that made Hux's words burn, but months passed and so did the routine encounters and Ren barely registers those words now. The man is handsome yet unremarkable, the sort of beauty that relies on the adornments of his hair and his clothes.

There is something different about the encounter, and Ren wonders how he didn't feel it before. When he turns to look at him, Hux's lips are parted but no sound comes out, the reply stuck in his throat and his hand still raised slightly where the man had kissed it. 

He sees it in his eyes, feels through the Force the sharp stab he feels on his hip, the burning of his words as he stands there, breathless. 

It's almost instinct, if it hadn't taken him so long to react. Ren steps forward, quickly, between the man and _his_ Emperor, his hand reaching to the lightsaber strapped to his belt.

"Ren!" It's only then that Hux finally reacts, stepping in at the threat. Both men gasp as the saber comes to life, trying to move back but being held in place by the Force. "Stop this nonsense at once!" Hux's voice draws the eyes of everyone in the crowd, loud and not leaving any place for objection, yet Kylo's arm stays raised, shaking slightly. 

"You don't get this!" Ren's voice sounds pained, like all the grief he had avoided is finally catching up to him. "You don't get to have this!" 

"Ren! Put it down." His words are rough, angry, and the grip he takes on the Knight's arm is bruising. Everyone waits between held breaths until the saber finally powers off, clicking back on its holster. Ren lowers his arm and his shoulders shake, hair obscuring his face. "Excuse me," Hux's words are finally directed at the man, merely a second before he turns his attention away, but it's enough to see the look on his face, see him gasp and clutch at his chest where those very words are sure to be written in perfect cursive.

"You took it from me. You don't get to have this," He repeats once they're out of sight, his back pressed against a wall to keep him up. He tries to swallow back the tears that brighten his eyes. "You can't…" He wants to say more, wants to scream at him and go back in to take the life of that man just as Hux took it from that Resistance fighter. He stays pressed where he is and his words remain unsaid. 

_You can't go with him. You can't leave me alone like that._

He lets the man live and Hux lets him go. He can't bear see his face then, can't bear the thought of going back into the party where that man still lives and breathes. Hux's pair. 

Ren find his way with heavy steps back to their chamber, leaving destruction in his wake. The hallways burn where the lightsaber struck, the lights busted as he screamed, scaring anyone who was unlucky enough to be nearby. He screams and shouts until his throat is raw, curses the very Fates for making him that way, for showing him something he can't have, for taking everything from him. He screams until he exhausts himself, until the moon finishes her course on the sky, until finally, _finally_ he feels Hux's presence again, stepping into the room with the first rays of sunlight.

"Have you slept?" he asks as he undresses, seated on the edge of the bed with his back to Ren.

He thinks of denying him an answer, perhaps pretend he is already asleep. "No," he answers anyway, cursing the broken tone of his voice.

"You should. It's late." 

He doesn't know what Hux is doing, what he intends to achieve with idle conversation like Ren didn't know he had spent hours with that man. "Were you with him?" he asks anyway, his eyes closing, his pillow wet where he rests. 

"Yes." There's no point in denying it, not when they both know Ren could feel it, sent his thoughts to them despite how it would only heighten his grief. He could feel every second of it, every pant and moan and every kiss against his Emperor's skin and wished he could kill the man with the force of his thoughts alone. 

Hux slips into bed, the covers already warmed by Ren's presence, and a heavy silence falls between them. It might be an hour or a few minutes where neither of them speak or sleep, but Hux can't take it anymore. He sighs when Ren flinches at the contact of his hand against his bare back, but he's insistent, and he tries again until he's allowed to rest his hand there, between the jut of his shoulder blades. He keeps his hand there, waits long moments until he feels the tension on Ren's body dissipate and his shoulders shake.

"It was only this one time," he tries to promise, shifting closer, moving his hand from his back to wrap around Ren's chest instead, feeling it shake as he sobs quietly into the pillow. "I had to see for myself. I had to try it. I had to." It's no comfort, but it's the truth, as sincere as he can make it. 

The first rays of sunshine slip between their curtains as Hux finally presses himself fully to his Knight's body, kisses an apology into his neck. "My will is stronger than you think. Stronger than even your own perhaps." 

It is only a matter of time before the Fates catch up to them, before the ticking of the universe follows its proper course, but they have not come to stand above it all without some sacrifices. It's a compromise and nothing more, hopeful thinking against what has been already written for them, but they will have to make do with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up at 6 am to write this so let me know if you find any mistakes!


End file.
